June 9, 2011

Today, I’m ok.

It might get worse. It might get better.

But whatever happens, it’s ok. Whatever I feel, it’s ok.


It might take me 3 weeks to sort out my house. It might be a year.

I might start dating next month. I might never date anyone again.

Maybe I’ll become a crazy cat lady. Maybe I’ll adopt a ton of kids. Maybe I’ll talk to everyone and anyone. Maybe I’ll shut myself in my room for days.

I’ll do whatever the hell I want to do. And it’s ok.

Nothing I do now changes the past. Nothing changes how much I adored Andy, how much of myself I poured into our relationship and caring for him. Nothing changes the fact that I spent 14 months looking after his every need and, frankly, was superwoman at times. Nothing changes the fact that I will always love him and he will always be in my heart.

But I’m not going to sit around and pretend to be sadder than I am. For a start, Andy would hate that. And he taught me that life is for living, for grabbing every moment. And now I’m not being held hostage by cancer any more, it’s going to be about me for a while. Grief and grieving will come when it comes.




  1. Honey, you are the most psychologically healthy person I’ve ever known of. Seriously. You should teach a class on grief – it’s about what you need to do not what others think you should do. I wish I had the honor of knowing you!

  2. Ses, you are truly an inspiration. I am 42 and I don’t think that I could handle things as well as you do at your age. I hope that life continues to give you joy.

  3. That sounds healthy Ses!

  4. You meet so many different people through your life, some just fleeting meetings that you don’t give a second thought to, some are friends for a while then you lose touch and you realise you don’t really miss them anyway. Then there are the ones that stay with you, the ones you never stop thinking about, the ones that change you. When I first met you Ses, I knew you were somebody I would never forget, you were so creative you could make anything (i was a little envious if I am honest) you were always smiley and made me laugh but I never knew and had no real idea of how truly and totally awesome you are. You inspire me so much you will never really know. Moving to Devon and having adventures is completely the right thing for you to do but I do feel that Hertfordshire (and Vineyard) is losing a little bit of its sunshine. Stay in touch. You rock! xxx

  5. you are beautiful.

  6. Absolutely the right attitude to have, and don’t let anyone tell you different!

  7. Kudos to you for being strong enough to stand up and know that it is OK. And poo to anyone who makes you feel like you should feel something you don’t. Grieve like you feel should, when you feel you need to do so and know that your Internet friends are here for you. Not a day goes by that I haven’t wondered about you and sent up a prayer for Andy. ❤ from Jennifer in California, USA

  8. Ses, I think you are the strongest person I “know”. It was an honor to read about your life.
    I wish you a happy life and I know it will be. I too wish I had the joy of meeting you in person and not just through the web.
    You truly are an inspiration. I can only hope to be as strong as you when my time of loss comes. ❤ ((HUGS))
    I hope to see you around Ravelry!

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