Until You Die, Live.

Dear World,

I’m pretty sure unless you’re 24, nursed your husband through 14 months of sickness, knowing all along that the cancer would get him eventually and then watched him die…. you have no idea what I’m feeling!

It makes me so cross that people think I should feel a certain way. That I should be crying all day. That I should be miserable.

I made my peace with the fact that I was losing my husband back in December. I started saying goodbye in March. I prayed over him as he slipped away and gave him over to God.

When I think of the countless people who, every single day, have their loved ones ripped from them – through war and accidents and heart attacks, who never have a chance to sort things and make peace and say goodbye… I feel lucky. Everyone has to die. I got the gift of being there when he did.

I’ve also got the gift of being alive. I’ve got the gift of joy. I’ve got the gift of Salvation. And I’m going to live my life.  I’m not going to sit at home and mope. I’m going to hang out with my friends and make new ones and go on adventures.

Stop judging me for being ok. Stop judging me because I’m not grieving in the same way or on the same time scale as you are or “think” you would be. I loved him more than you could ever know. It’s because I love him that I’m going to make the best of the short time we have on this earth.

I’m 24. I’m far too young to die too, to just exist. I’m going to live.

Ses

(picture from Howies - sadly it was limited edition and no longer available.)

Me

Today, I’m ok.

It might get worse. It might get better.

But whatever happens, it’s ok. Whatever I feel, it’s ok.

 

It might take me 3 weeks to sort out my house. It might be a year.

I might start dating next month. I might never date anyone again.

Maybe I’ll become a crazy cat lady. Maybe I’ll adopt a ton of kids. Maybe I’ll talk to everyone and anyone. Maybe I’ll shut myself in my room for days.

I’ll do whatever the hell I want to do. And it’s ok.

Nothing I do now changes the past. Nothing changes how much I adored Andy, how much of myself I poured into our relationship and caring for him. Nothing changes the fact that I spent 14 months looking after his every need and, frankly, was superwoman at times. Nothing changes the fact that I will always love him and he will always be in my heart.

But I’m not going to sit around and pretend to be sadder than I am. For a start, Andy would hate that. And he taught me that life is for living, for grabbing every moment. And now I’m not being held hostage by cancer any more, it’s going to be about me for a while. Grief and grieving will come when it comes.

 

Footloose

I’ve never been good at staying put. I thought this time would be it though, but clearly it’s not to be. I moved to Hertfordshire to be with Andy, and now he’s gone I just really, really want to be near my family. And I love the south west – although my nomadic lifestyle means no town or city has ever been “home”, it’s the area where I’ve spent most of my life and I’m looking forward to being back there.

So I’m packing my life into boxes again and setting out looking for a new adventure in Devon.

I’m not moving right away, but it doesn’t hurt to get a head start on things. I move so much that I start to wonder why I even bother unpacking! Though I’m hoping this time it’ll give me a base for my stuff to live while I move around on my adventures. I am trying to be ruthless too – my friend Lauren popped in to bring me some bubble wrap and left with an ice cream scoop and a DVD. I might make it a rule for any visitors!